“Spencer…” it’s barely a whisper in the dark night.
They don’t turn on the lights and sometimes Hotch wonders if it is because this way it’s easier to pretend it’s not real. But the hands touching and the lips kissing and the tongues licking are just too real to pretend.
The heavy breaths and the moans are tattooed in his mind forever. Hotch isn’t able to look at Reid’s hands (not anymore) without thinking of these nights where those sinful fingers make him want and scream and forget all the pain.
Reid doesn’t talk, doesn’t give him the slightest hope; it’s all about flesh, lust and desire. It’s all about the two of them starving and feeding each other.
“Don’t call me that.” is the immediate reply. Hotch wants to protest, the person above him moving his hips and driving him crazy is not his subordinate. This man is different from the Reid who wanders in the office. This is Spencer, almost a sex god living in his nights and dreams.
In the mornings, Hotch questions if he dreamt the kisses and orgasms but the bruises and the sticky sheets prove him wrong.
He stays awake then, faking sleep. Reid must know; anyway, he kisses his forehead and goes with a silent goodbye that Hotch feels and never hears.
At first, it was painful, somedays still is. Mostly, now it’s just Hotch letting himself be used by this man who looks exactly like his resident genius.
“Spencer, god. Yes, fuck yes, Spencer.” He insists even when he’s on edge and his toes are curling.
“Shhh.” And with a scorching kiss Reid shuts him up.
However, Hotch can’t care less because right now he can go to sleep without thinking about Haley and the promises he broke, or about all those lives he couldn’t save.
Other nights are worse, and he has to know why Spencer won’t stay, why they never talk or why Reid keeps refusing the offers for coffee and a meal.
“I don’t want a relationship, Hotch. I don’t want a boyfriend. This is our secret and that’s all it is. Right?” He nods unconvinced and Reid can tell. “No one has to know, this is something between you and me. Our secret, isn’t it?”